Hey Arnold! Season 6: Training of the Shrew
by Cre8ivelybankrupt87
Summary: As all the kids of the sixth grade are beginning to go through some changes, Helga herself struggles with one or two little changes and seeks out Olga's help. Things go about as well as you'd imagine they would.
1. Pataki Puberty

_**I've been struggling with this one for a while and I honestly still feel awkward writing it... but there are just too many funny moments in it for me not to share it...**_

_**And I guess given how far other fanfics (not pointing fingers or saying it's bad per se) take this kind of subject, this is pretty vanilla by comparison. Well, let's see how the first chapter goes over...**_

* * *

The PS118 school bell rang, sending all kids inside to their various destinations. For Arnold and Helga it meant physical education class at this particular hour.

"See you after gym?" Arnold asked.

"What about during?" Helga asked in confusion, "I've got a lot of pent up frustrations to vent on you in the form of dodgeballs."

"At what point does this cross over from banter to battering?" Arnold asked.

"Good question." Helga shrugged, "I guess we'll cross that bridge when we burn it. Anyway, what do you mean 'see you after?'"

"They're dividing us up today, boys and girls, remember?"

"Psh, I don't pay attention to what teachers say in the_ important _classes, football head, why would I remember what happens in gym?" Helga said dismissively, then suddenly turned outraged, "Hey, wait! Dividing us up? They can't do that! That's sex discrimination! What is this, the fifties? That's-"

"Calm down, they're just showing us separate movies, I hear." Arnold shrugged.

"Oh great, even better." Helga huffed, "You guys probably get to watch something fun and I'll be stuck watching some lame chick flick…"

"I think they're about what to expect with our 'cusping adulthood' or something." Arnold said

"Sounds like a real snooze fest…" Helga groaned.

"See you later?" Arnold asked, opening his arms inviting her to hug.

"See ya when I see ya, goof wad." Helga said.

"All right then..." Arnold sighed in disappointment, "I was hoping you could be just a little more affectionate by now, but oh well..."

"Hey, you knew what you were signing up for, buddy." Helga huffed. She quickly smiled and shot Arnold a wink before spinning on her heal and stomping off. Around the corner came Gerald, who Helga nearly knocked off his feat as she stormed by.

"Arnold, I think you being her secret boyfriend is taking a toll on her sunny nature" he joked. "What have you done to her?"

"I think I'm having an easier time reading Shakespeare in English class than I am reading her." Arnold sighed, "At least there's resource material on that I can study…"

"Mm, mm, mm, woe be to the scholar who ever has to study and write the book on that girl." Gerald sighed.

"I've asked her to try being a little more nice and sensitive, but that just seems to make her double down on being a jerk..." Arnold said. "I just don't get it."

"Ah, don't worry yourself too much about it," Gerald said, "Come on, let's go watch this little health film."

An hour later, both the girls and boys emerged from their designated rooms wherein they had just witnessed videos about their changing bodies. All of them were wide-eyed with terror as if they had witnessed something not of this earth; completely shaken by what they had seen. The boy crowd and girl crowd looked at one another from across the hallway, and suddenly they all burst out screaming and quickly fled in opposite directions at the sight of one another. All except for Helga who looked completely unfazed by the experience she'd gone through with her fellow females.

"What's with them?" she yawned, "That was the best nap I've had in years…"

After school, Arnold immediately ran home and slammed the door behind him, still wide-eyed with fresh terror. Standing in the hallway, his grandfather took immediate notice of this.

"Hey short man," he said, "You look like you've seen some unspeakable horror previously reserved for veterans of World War II."

"Grandpa…" Arnold asked slowly, "What… happens to you when you turn twelve?"

"Why, all your hair falls out, you start to lose teeth by the truckload and you can't remember what you had for breakfast uh… oh wait, that's later… let's see, twelve…"

"Well, we watched this video today at school and…"

Grandpa's eyes went wide, "They're giving you kids the talk in video form before your elders can? You'd think we'd have to sign a permission slip for that or something… or maybe your mom and dad did, who knows…"

"I'm just… really confused…" Arnold said, "I think I'm just gonna go sit quietly in my room and try to not think about anything…"

Arnold slowly walked up the stairs to his bedroom and left grandpa scratching his chin in thought.

"Uh oh… well, thank goodness I'm off the hook for the birds and the bees talk. Miles!" Grandpa yelled.

"Yeah, dad?" Arnold's father rounded the corner, wiping off a wine glass with a rag.

"Think you'd better go talk to the short man." Grandpa said, "He's seen some things..."

"What kind of things?" Miles asked, as his wife Stella too stepped into view.

"Oh you know... he just needs a little clarification on a few of the facts of life." Grandpa said, "And since you're here I don't have to go through that again..." Grandpa got slightly emotional, "Honestly... that's just the best part about having you back after all this time..."

"Oh, that kind of talk, huh?" Miles scratched his chin and pondered, "Let's see... um... is that the one where you find the reciprocal and multiply the number by the..."

"No, that's dividing fractions, honey..." Stella said.

"Um... is it where you turn on the hazard lights, apply the handbrake, put on the wedges and then-" Miles tried again.

"No, that's changing a tire, Miles..." Grandpa sighed, "Sheesh, sleeping ten years really did a number on you huh. I thought if anything you'd be refreshed and ready to go..."

"I think your dad is talking about... you know... growing up?" Stella said.

"Oh wait, right... I know!" Miles said, "Right. I'll just go and... have a little talk with him then." Miles said confidently and headed up the stairs to Arnold's room, saying, "One minute you're changing diapers, and the next they're old enough to know the facts of life..."

"Sure feels like it..." Stella said, rubbing her temples.

The next morning at the beeper emporium, Helga awoke and lurched out of bed with all the energy and speed of someone fifty years her senior. As she stumbled to her bathroom mirror she greeted her reflection with disgust. She briefly ran her fingers through her unwashed, oily and unkempt hair and smiled.

"There, that's better." she said, as she tied her omnipresent pink bow into place atop her head. "I am getting too old for this 'morning' business…"

As she stretched her arms however she felt something strange. A strange sensation as if something were out of place, but she couldn't quite put a finger on what.

"That's strange… I feel somehow like… there's more to me than there used to be…" she said to herself. Looking down at her torso she patted herself. An uncomfortable realization came over her and she groaned, "Ugh, these stupid things are getting bigger… oh what do I do now? Suppose I could ask Miriam…" Helga mimicked her mother's droning voice, "Huh? Oh yeah, that's nice dear… just put on a vest while I go take a nap… Doi!" Helga shook her head and pondered other options, "Maybe Phoebe? No… she's flat as a board… and I'm not discussing this with the likes of Lila, even is she is 'gifted.'"

There was but one possible answer to her plight, much to her dismay.

"Ugh, has it really come to this? Need I go to her? My pretty sister predecessor…"

Helga shuddered, but knew that alas her big sister Olga was the only source of help she had for this kind of issue, and since she was home for a few days she decided to take advantage and ask for some advice. She took a short walk that felt like a mile over to Olga's room and knocked on the door. Olga naturally got the best room in the emporium, Helga noted privately.

"Um, hey Olga." she muttered

Olga, looking effortlessly radiant for seven in the morning, like a freaking shampoo commercial, Helga thought, turned in her direction.

"Why good morning, darling baby sister." she said in her insipidly dreamy voice, "Did you get a good night sleep?"

She looked at Helga who looked ragged, baggy-eyed and scowling as usual.

"Yeah, yeah, it was fine. Slept like a tank. Listen, far be it from me to come to you for advice but uh…"

"Oh baby sister, you can ask me anything." Olga said, "I have a unique plethora of life experience to draw upon to give you big sisterly advice."

"Uh huh. I bet. Well this is probably pretty standard for any girl, and you just happen to be the closest one in the vicinity." Helga stated sternly. "So don't flatter yourself."

"It is wonderful how close we've become lately, isn't it?" Olga asked.

"Uh huh," Helga said as she crossed her fingers, "Yep, we're like this now. So listen-"

"I've just never felt so close to you as I do now."

"Great, so-"

"I could just listen to you and your tween hurdles for hours. You know, I just love helping you-"

Helga finally lost her temper, "Then start by shutting your mouth and LISTENING!"

Olga, realizing what she had been doing covered her mouth, "Oh… sorry, baby sister. You were saying?"

Helga groaned, "It's just that in the last year or so I've been experiencing shall we say one or two little, uh… changes. And they've started to get a little… well… not so little."

"Uh huh?" Olga nodded.

"I just need to know what to do about them…" Helga said.

"Uh huh?" Olga nodded again.

Helga frowned, "What to do about my… one or two little changes… that are getting bigger…"

Olga's face remained completely guileless and clueless, and Helga realized her sister was going to force her to spell it out. With a long beleaguered sigh, Helga finally gestured to her chest. To her horror, a look of revelation flashed across Olga's face and she threw her arms around her already annoyed little sister.

"Oh baby sister! You're blossoming into a woman!" Olga cried out.

"You always gotta make something horribly awkward even worse, don't you…" Helga grumbled.

"Oh my, yes you are getting just a little busty aren't you?" Olga noted.

"Oh, shut it!" Helga shot back, and crossed her arms, "You want the whole world to hear? Or just the whole neighborhood?"

"Oh Helga, don't be embarrassed, be proud." Olga shook her finger, "We Pataki ladies are gifted like that."

Helga huffed, "Uh huh, so are the Pataki men, but I doubt Bob is proud of his-"

"Helga!" Olga scolded her.

"Ah shut up, it was funny and you know it…" Helga muttered.

"It's still not a very nice thing to say about the man who puts a roof over your head." Olga insisted.

"Uh huh." Helga said, "Hey, remember when we lived in a house and not this rundown store that no one uses?"

"Oh, daddy will turn things around any day now. Have a little faith in him. Tell you what little sister, I've got the afternoon off so I'll pick you up from school and take you… shopping."

"Shopping?" Helga asked in terror, "For what?"

"Helga, if not now very soon you're going to need some… support." Olga giggled, "So it's time you started… training."

"I hate my life…" Helga groaned.

"Oh Helga, this will be a wonderful chance for us to bond as sisters." Olga mused, "I really do want to make a sincere effort to be closer to you now."

"Yeah. We tried that once. Didn't go so well." Helga crossed her arms again and turned away.  
"But I really do, Helga. I know I haven't always been there for you, baby sister, but I want to be now. I promise I won't make a mess of it like last time…" Olga said.

"Yeah… you really thought telling my bedwetting saga to the class was somehow going to be inspirational and impress them?" Helga huffed.

"It was my first day of teaching… I thought it was a relatable topic…" Olga said.

"Yeah even if it is, none of them were gonna fess up to it!" Helga snipped, "They're all sharks who are gonna swarm as soon as they smell blood in the water, and you basically slit both my wrists and threw me to them…"

"That's an awfully dark metaphor…" Olga remarked quietly.

"Yeah, well I write a lot of poetry… and I've been watching Shark Week." Helga admitted, "But whatever. They've forgotten about it. Or at least they know better than to remind me of it."

"Wonderful." Olga clapped, "You'd better run along and get ready for school. I'll remind mommy to make your lunch, and I'll pick you up at three thirty."

Helga sighed. She couldn't fault Olga for at least trying to be a better sibling than she had been in years past, but she could fault her for how royally she would inevitably embarrass her. It was the best of her many talents, after all.

* * *

_**Well. That happened. Wonder what'll happen next...**_


	2. Elizabeth's Unmentionable

_**I feel the need to keep apologizing with every update to this story... but I won't. I intend this story to be cute and innocent in spite of the more adult themes... that's just Hey Arnold! to me...**_

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When the school day came to a close, Helga stood on the sidewalk outside of the building awaiting her sister's arrival. Arnold meanwhile, had gotten a few answers to his burning questions from his father the night before, and that had quelled most of his fears. Now he wanted for things to go back to normal between him and Helga, which meant a lot of yelling in anger but he couldn't deny he kind of enjoyed it.

"Hey, Helga!" he shouted as he came running up behind her.

"What do you want, football head?" she huffed.

Arnold laughed, then said, "I was just wondering if you wanted to walk home together."

"What? Like some kind of couple or something?" she asked.

"I thought were were like some kind of couple… or something…" Arnold said.

Helga slapped a hand over his mouth and hushed him.

"Pipe down, shorty!" she hissed. "What happened to taking it slow?"

With Helga's hand still covering Arnold's mouth, he mumbled something that sounded like "Right. Sorry."

"That's better," she said as she released him.

"Maybe someday you won't be so afraid to be a little more affectionate..." Arnold sighed, "Or you could at least work on being a little nicer."

"Yeah, well I haven't got the time today," Helga huffed, "I've got plans."

"Oh. What are you up to?" Arnold asked innocently.

"None of your beeswax, Arnoldo." She said, crossing her arms across her chest. "And whatever it is it definitely does not involve my sister, or anything weird or embarrassing like-"

"Helga!" Olga's infuriatingly melodious voice rang out.  
Helga spun around on her heel to see Olga waving from the driver seat of the family hummer. Seeing the queen of indiscreetness sent her embarrassment senses into a panicked frenzy.

"Oh crap on a crawdad…" Helga groaned

"Ready to go shopping for training bras?" Olga asked just loudly enough for everyone in Hawaii to hear her.

Helga turned ashen and looked at Arnold, who had gone wide-eyed and was clearly struggling to keep from laughing.

"Um, have fun…" he said with some effort.

"Arnold?" she asked, "Take a good long look at Olga. It's the last time you're ever going to see her alive…"

With her fists clenched, the unfortunate girl resigned herself to her fate and boarded the car with Olga.

"Dad let you take the hummer?" Helga asked. "How are we even affording the gas on this beast?"

"Oh don't be silly, Helga." Olga said, "Five miles to the gallon is all we need."

With a roar of their engine, the two sisters sped off in the direction of an unwanted adventure.

The car ride over had been about as enjoyable as Helga anticipated. Olga's driving was a step up from her mother's but the young woman seemed a little distracted as she fawned over her 'baby sister' to the point that it seemed fairly forced, leading to one or two close calls on the road. For all her perfectionism in other areas, she hadn't extended the same consummate care to her driving abilities.

Once they reached the mall, the sisters Pataki walked through the halls on their way to Elizabeth's Unmentionable, and Helga felt considerably self-conscious. As she passed by boy after boy she couldn't help but feel as if their eyes were lingering just where she didn't want any attention. Finally Helga found herself face to face with some boy about her age, standing in her way and staring directly at her chest, causing her to scowl threateningly.

"Hey bucko, my _fist_ is up here!" she growled and raised her fist up to her eye level.

Alarmed, the boy bid a hasty retreat as Olga took notice.

"Helga!" Olga scolded, "That's not very nice."

"Have you _met_ me?" Helga asked, then another thought occurred to her, "Olga?" she asked.

"Yes Helga?"

"Um… when you started to uh… 'blossom,' did you feel like you were getting more attention than before?"

"No, I always got lots of attention… but I suppose I did start to get another brand of attention. And you should expect to turn heads too." Olga said with a bright smile, "As I've told you, you're becoming a lovely young lady."

"Great…" Helga moaned, "I just love having every creep ogling me… seriously it's like I'm swimming in a sea of Brainys… Olga, just promise me you won't make a big production out of this-"

"Hello!" Olga cried out to the staff of Elizabeth's Unmentionable the moment they entered the store, "My baby sister is in need of her first training-"

Acting on some desperate instinct, Helga burst into song to drown out Olga's words, singing to the operatic tune of Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries."

"Braaa, ra, ra ra raa ra, ra, ra ra raa ra, ra ra ra raaa ra, ra ra ra raaaaaaa!" she sang aloud.

Olga shot another infuriating smile at Helga.

"Oh Helga, you have such a lovely singing voice…"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a regular Joan Sutherland, can we please do this semi-discretely?" Helga begged.

"You're so humble and modest, baby sister…" Olga said admiringly, "All right, let's see… why don't we start over here… oh look! They come in pink, your favorite!"

Helga lowered her head in sad resignation and moaned in annoyance.

Minutes later, Olga stood just outside the fitting room expectantly. After listening in on Helga's muttering and cursing, she knocked on the door and called out to her sister.

"Isn't it wonderful, Helga?" she asked, "Doesn't it make you feel so… grown up?"

"No, just really restricted and itchy!" Helga shot back, "Seriously, it took me forever just to strap it on and now I feel like I can't use my arms properly anymore!"

"You get used to that." Olga said, "It takes a little adjusting but you'll settle into it. Do you want to try another one?"

"No, I'm good with this one." Helga said.

"But… you said it was itchy?" Olga reminded her.

"Yes, but it's also the one I'm wearing, which makes it my fastest way of getting out of here!" Helga shot back.

"Well, alright…" Olga sighed.

The door burst open and out stepped a seething Helga. Her arms were stretched out with her elbows bending her forearms into a ninety degree angle as she stomped towards Olga.

"How's it look…?" Helga asked.

"Pert and prominent." Olga said. "Just work on your posture a bit, that will do you some favors."

"What?" Helga asked, "I thought wearing one of these was supposed to make them less noticeable?"

"No, no, it's just for support," Olga said. "And also to accentuate your natural appeal…"

"Is this really a requirement then…?" Helga asked.

"It's generally frowned upon not to once you get older…" Olga said, "Hence why you should embrace training now."

"Fine… I'll just take this one before you get any more brilliant ideas…" Helga grumbled.

"Oh goody," Olga laughed as she clapped. "Once daddy bounces back I'm sure we can afford an entire wardrobe but this one will do for now…"

"Yeah well, thanks for what it's worth…" Helga grumbled.

"Oh Helga, I consider it a special honor to guide you through your budding rose of womanhood-"

"CAN YOU JUST…" Helga shouted, but caught herself, trying not to make more of a scene, "Please… next time you have a thought can you just run it by your editor first?"

Olga laughed gayly, thinking her sister was merely joking.

"You are just so funny…" Olga said in genuine admiration, "With that and your natural beauty, the boys are going to be all over you... why don't we bring it out even more?"

"Bring what out now?" Helga asked in fear.

"Your natural beauty... I could give you a makeover!" Olga squealed, "I've always wanted to make you over!"

"Doesn't that ruin the point of anything 'natural'?" Helga asked.

"Oh come on, Helga." Olga insisted, "It would be my honor to bring out your full potential..."

"Because I needed improving?" Helga bit out.

"Because you're worth it!" Olga laughed.

Helga's shoulders slumped. She had experienced more than a little unwanted attention today owing to her increasingly prominent little symbols of young adulthood, and Olga naturally was just adding to her misery. She hadn't expected anything less from Olga. She had gone to her for help out of desperation and necessity, not because Olga had ever earned a modicum of her trust. In hindsight she reflected that perhaps even Phoebe's theoretical knowledge on the subject may have been more helpful, but Helga had made her bed and now she was lying in it.

That evening Olga essentially strong-armed Helga into the bathroom where she brushed her hair down into a more elegant looking style, and applied mascara, eye liner and blush to her face with considerable artistic flair. As she observed in the mirror, Helga had to admit she wasn't completely repulsed by the results but still felt as though she was betraying herself; as the reflection she beheld was not the girl she had always known, but increasingly a stranger. Olga smiled, clearly pleased with the fruit of her labors but then another look crossed her face that sent shivers down Helga's spine.

"Just one more finishing touch I think..." Olga said.

"That being..." Helga asked in fear.

Olga raised a pair of tweezers and Helga's jaw dropped.

"Touch me with that and you pull back a bloody stump, sis..." Helga warned.

"You've got the Pataki brow..." Olga said, "And we all struggle with that at some point but... there comes a time to let things go..."

Helga closed her eyes and braced herself. Olga couldn't do a worse job of plucking her brow than she had once done. Hopefully.

Following Olga's handiwork, Helga stared into a hand mirror and felt a mix of emotions. She typically had to suspend her disbelief to think of her face as anything so much as unconventionally pretty, but after Olga's little makeover she felt as if she had finally gotten past unconventional. Still, the face she beheld before her was not the Helga she knew, but a stranger. She sat in her dark crawlspace beneath Big Bob's Beepers, kneeling before a lit candle illuminating her latest Arnold Shrine, crafted from a potato with several pigeon feathers poking through it to simulate the boy's tufts of hair. She did realize this old habit of hers should have been rendered superfluous now that she had won the affections of the boy these little idols symbolized, but old habits died hard as the saying went. Sometimes it was easier to confide in the mere idea of Arnold than Arnold himself.

"Oh thou most malevolent monstrosity of maturing metamorphosis, must thou maketh me a more mutated madwoman?" Helga sighed, then remarked, "Hey, that's pretty good alliteration… I gotta write that down…"

She grabbed for the latest volume in her treasury of poetry and began scribbling down words.

"Oh Arnold… my little living human aphrodisiac… will this blossoming flower of womanhood change your newfound feelings for me… or worse yet, my own feelings for thee? As girlhood mutates into womanhood, can this unstoppable evolution alter the very core of my being, until I am Helga no more, but a stranger in my own skin? Shall this transformation alter my most deep affections for you, standing as pillars at the foundation of my being crumble into dust and my love for thee come crashing down? I could go the amazonian route and sever ties with the burdens I bare! But… no… t'would be a coward's answer, I shall persevere until I know the truth… oh Arnold, for many long years have I been a cipher wrapped in an enigma to you… now as you continue to see through the fog I have so expertly shrouded myself in, I fear you may see through my monstrous act… and see a new monster emerge. A monster within me that even I fail to understand… oh Arnold, will this change at last cement me as the Pataki I have long feared I would become… a blustery ogre the like of Bob in a dress…"

Helga sighed, then drifted out of her wistful poetic state and said plainly, "I wonder if Arnold's even noticed…"

Her mind wandered back to the previous summer, when due to complicated reasons she and all her classmates had ended up prisoners of a river pirate and treasure hunter in the jungles of Central America. She along with Arnold and Gerald had escaped their prison to attempt to locate a lost civilization; owing to those peoples' relationship with Arnold's family the kids hoped to get their help. The process of reaching their hidden city proved perilous to say the least, and at one point Helga had triggered one of the Green-Eyes peoples' many defense mechanisms. Helga played the scene out in her mind.

"Well, at least one of us can read…" Helga huffed as she stepped through the doorway, as the enormous stone doors slammed shut behind her, barely missing crushing her to death. She shrieked and rushed forward, only to step on a tile that activated a trap.  
Reacting quickly, Arnold shouted, "Booby trap!" as he leapt at Helga and wrapped his arms around her torso, forcing her to the ground before an arrow shot out of the wall before them towards Helga's head. His tackle knocked her out of harm's way and resulted in the two of them lying on the ground together, with Arnold's hands incidentally resting on a somewhat sensitive area.

Helga quickly swatted his hands off of her torso and growled, "Did I say it was okay to touch me?"

Returning to the present, Helga remarked to herself, "Yep. He's noticed…"

* * *

_**This entire fic was inspired by that one little scene in TJM… Helga triggers a booby trap, Arnold yells "booby trap!" then tackles her, and after where his hands end up I cannot be the only one whose immediate reaction was… um, I'm sorry, but did Arnold just cop a feel?**_

_**Okay… I wanted to just come up with a parody name of Victoria's Secret… I didn't expect to come up with one quite that provocative but… it was too funny for me not to use.**_

_**In case anyone doesn't know, "Ride of the Valkyries" is the tune Helga sings "Ruth is a lightweight ya gaggling geek bait…" etc, in "What's Opera, Arnold?" I trust you all did but I had to be sure...**_


	3. The New Girl

_**Whenever I'm writing a story, it tends to end up evolving into something different than I planned. This one was born out of just that silly little exchange between Olga and Helga in chapter one (and Helga's sick burn on Bob…), so naturally I figured the whole story would just be kind of a romp… and it still is but, whenever Olga is involved, you just know things are going to get a little… twisted, to say the least. And all of Helga's insecurities are starting to manifest in an unusual way for her, turning her whole struggle into something of an identity crisis…**_

* * *

The next day Helga slowly headed out the front door of the beeper emporium, with her hair still flowing down her back, her face freshly made up, and her loathed hidden accessory somewhat forcing her out of her usual slouched posture. She wasn't sure how the world would react to her sudden groomed appearance, but she didn't have to wait long for the first reaction.

"Helga!" her stalwart friend Phoebe gasped, "Did you get a haircut?"

"Something like that…" Helga said. "I handed the reigns over to Olga, and this is what happened."

"Well I must say, it's very becoming of you." Phoebe said, "Olga did a marvelous job."

"Really?" Helga asked, "You don't think it's not… I dunno, me enough?"

"No really." Phoebe said, "It's only a subtle change, and still completely you. But it's just lovely."

Helga smiled, "Hmm. Yeah, yeah, quit sucking up." She said playfully.

"Wait until Arnold sees it…" Phoebe giggled, "I'm sure he'll agree-"

"Shush!" Helga hissed, "Mighty Falcon and Ice Cream are still undercover, Feebs. Loose lips sink ships, y'know… and you are not sinking the good ship HMS Shortaki."

"Oh… right." Phoebe covered her mouth, "I'll just… well, I'll see for myself soon enough."

As the girls rounded the corner where they typically encountered Arnold and Gerald en route to school, they indeed came across said boys right on cue.

"Helga?" Both Gerald and Arnold gasped in surprise.

"I am… she." Helga said, with a somewhat smug grin.

"You look uh…" Gerald noted, "Diffrentish."

"Well, done, Sherlock." Helga rolled her eyes.

"Well, actually it looks really nice." Arnold said approvingly.

Helga smiled, "Really? I wasn't so sure about it…"

"No, I like it," Arnold said, "It's subtle, but still very you."

"Crazy…" Helga said, "That's exactly what Phoebe said…"

"Must be universally true then." Phoebe chuckled.

Feeling relieved and surprisingly pleased with herself, Helga walked with pride in her step as the group headed off in the direction of school.

Helga felt a growing sense of unfathomable dread building in her all day. She was feeling very self aware about what she was wearing, and her new look, but to her surprise people weren't so much commenting on it as they seemed to be reacting differently to her. It hadn't been so bad to see Arnold react positively, but everyone else's strange subtle positivity seemed to be having an effect on her own behavior. Throughout her classes she had gotten a few suspicious looks from other kids, but they had all ended with sincere smiles, which she shockingly found herself returning. Later on, as she walked down the hallway to her locker, she came across classmate after classmate.

"Hi Helga." Harold said, waving to her. Helga smiled and waved back.

"Good day to you, madam," said Curly as he too passed her by.

Helga cocked one of her eyebrows, a feat she normally couldn't physically do.

"Hello Helga." Lila said with a sweet smile.

That wasn't unusual. Lila may have been annoying, but at least there was nothing unusual about her pleasant demeanor. Helga kept waking and soon after came across Rhonda, a girl who could always be trusted to fix her with a snooty look and an equally snooty comment.

"Hi Helga." Rhonda said with uncharacteristic casual friendliness.

As Rhonda nearly passed her by, Helga seized her by the wrist and turned her to face her.

"Hey!" Rhonda shouted, "What…?"

"What do you mean 'hi Helga'?" Helga inquired.

"I think I meant 'hi Helga'." Rhonda repeated in confusion, "Is something wrong?"

Helga scowled at her, but it didn't seem to trigger the normal response one of her scowls would from Rhonda, or anyone else. Perturbed, Helga let go of her.

"Maybe nothing…" She said, "Maybe everything."

"Oh," Rhonda said, "Well, I hope everything's all right. Take care, Helga."

And Rhonda walked away with a casual wave and a friendly smile, leaving Helga in a stunned daze.

"Man, Olga worked some serious witchcraft here…" Helga remarked, "I always knew she was a witch, or something like that, but seriously… what's going on here? Hath this stone heart of mine begun to melt into liquid hot lava… thus revealing the shy girl hidden beneath the-"

Glancing quickly over her shoulder she saw Brainy, but he wasn't leering creepily at her or panting uncomfortably close to her. He was doing something she had never seen him do; he was casually walking by.

"Brainy?" she called out, "Where are you going?"

Brainy turned to face her, looking confused, "Um… school?" he said.

Helga's eyes narrowed and she whispered to herself, "Something is rotten in the state of PS118…"

Abandoning her route to her locker, Helga ducked inside the bathroom. After making sure no one else was around, she looked at her reflection in the mirror and almost had to do a double take. She hadn't forgotten what she looked like now, but there was an odd soft quality to her physiognomy now. She still felt mostly the same on the inside, though maybe even a little less angry than usual. She hadn't given it much credence, but people were treating her differently with this new look of hers. She wasn't consciously acting overtly different, but she started to wonder if part of her normally surly behavior directly tied in with how she presented herself.

She looked at her eyebrows, neatly plucked and shaped, which she couldn't deny made her overall face look far less severe than ever before. Even when not scowling, something about that eyebrow of hers had always looked somewhat challenging, and maybe without it people were now less afraid of her and less on edge in her presence, which in turn perhaps had pacified her in return, at least somewhat.

She looked down at her torso. The particular accessory Olga had bought her had scarcely been on her mind in comparison to everything else. Now that she was thinking about it of course it started to itch again. Rather than scratch at herself she decided to go back to brooding over how her new look was affecting her behavior. She had always been very guarded and unwilling to let people see her for her true nature, as a tender-hearted, insecure romantic, but now that people seemed to be reacting to her differently she felt as if maybe she could lower her guard in public to some degree, without being smacked down or taunted. Maybe this whole thing was more of a positive change than she had originally thought.

The worst part of all of this was that now Helga felt the urge to do something she had never felt any compulsion to do before.

"This was Olga's doing… and it's actually working out…" she said, "I guess I'd better th- th- th- th-" she struggled to spit out a certain word, "I better tha- tha- tha- tha- THANK her… whew… that hurt." She said, rubbing her jaw.

Helga returned home that afternoon with every intention of thanking Olga. She could feel a lot of her anger had lifted seemingly as a result of how she now looked and subsequently felt, and was now feeling unusually well disposed towards her usually loathed sister.

When she stepped inside, Helga came across Olga sitting in the showroom, looking lost in thought.

"Hey, uh, Olga?" Helga said, "I know I was a little resistant to the whole makeover idea but… well, it worked out, and I really like it so I… I wanted to thank you."

"Oh Helga, don't thank me yet." Olga said, with a disturbing look in her glassy eyes.

"Alright then, I won't." Helga joked, but then suddenly her sibling alarm went off in her brain again, "Wait… what do you mean 'yet'?" She asked with caution.

"I was thinking… it was a noble first effort, but since you've put your trust in me, I owe it to you to do even better." Olga said, looking her over thoughtfully, "And now that you're becoming a woman, I think maybe it's time for a change of wardrobe."

Helga's eyes threatened to pop out of their sockets in shock. She tugged at the edges of her pink jumper and looked herself over.

"What's wrong with… this?" she asked. "I mean… I admit it's a_ little_ feminine for my particular personality but-"

"Oh, your look is wonderful! It's so uniquely suited to you! I am simply an artist never fully satisfied with my work, and you baby sister are my canvas…"

That comment didn't exactly inspire any confidence in Helga, nor comfort.  
"Your canvas?" Helga asked. "I mean, you did a good enough job already, no need to go any further on my account…"

"It's just that… now that you're growing up, maybe you should try something a little more… metropolitan." Olga suggested, "Something that makes you look like the sort of sophisticated urbanite that you are on the inside. Something that will make you feel as nice as you look."

"Maybe you should try something a little more along the lines of seeking professional help?" Helga suggested.

"Don't worry, Helga, I've got it all planned out… you're finally going to achieve your full potential…" Olga giggled as she held Helga's head in her hands, "Oh this is going to be such fun! We're finally getting to spend time together… I've got a full wardrobe of clothes I've outgrown, and you're just the size I was at your age. Oh, you're like my own little dress up doll!"

If there weren't enough red flags being raised in Helga's mind before Olga's last choice of words, there were roughly a hundred or so raised now, like the banners of a threatening medieval army marching in her direction, and inspiring the same amount of anxiety. Whatever Olga was about to do next could not possibly end well for her.

Then again, Helga thought, whatever magic she had worked last night had apparently brought her nothing but good things, as confusing as it all felt. Trusting Olga felt more foreign and idea to her than martians landing, especially with Olga's apparent sudden artistic inspiration, and yet Helga felt a sudden curiosity to cross the threshold. This wasn't the same as the time she had once made herself over to look more adult when she was only nine, and failed spectacularly, this felt somehow right even if it seemed wrong. She was worried about the sort of person she may turn into with this little change to her look, but instead now she felt intrigued and eager to see how much further she could take it.

With a heavy sigh, Helga nodded her head.

"All right." she said, "As long as you're not thinking of anything too drastic."

"Oh not at all," Olga said, holding up a pair of scissors and smiling eagerly, "Perish the thought, baby sister."

Helga could only gulp in fear.

* * *

_**There. I did it. I actually had a character use the word Shortaki in universe. No shame. Didn't even have that one planned, it just came to me after I had Helga say loose lips sink ships and I was like… ships… as in shipping… I'm going for it.**_

_**Looks like Olga actually kinda did something right for Helga, how long will it take her to screw it up? What horribly twisted evil scheme does Olga have up her sleeve to ruin any potential sisterly bond now? Well, it should seem fairly obvious by that ominous ending…**_


	4. Wolf in Sheep's Clothes

_**As Olga continually transforms her sister, we begin this chapter with a less than subtle reference… and I don't mean the Aesop Fable chapter name...**_

* * *

The world was dark around her. As if whatever Olga had planned wasn't concerning enough, having Helga blindfolded so she could be 'surprised' left the poor tween girl feeling more anxious than ever. Helga had been lying back in a chair as Olga busily hacked away at her hair. What in the world had possessed her to allow Olga to actually give her a haircut on top of making her over was beyond her. She wasn't exactly sure what she had envisioned, and was even less sure why she trusted her, but in the midst of all the other confusing things happening with her body she felt the need to put her trust in someone who had been through it all before, even if that someone was a person who had consistently failed her trust in the past. Still, Olga's methods may have been a pain, but so far Helga couldn't argue with the results. Many long minutes passed by, until at last the sounds of Olga's snipping scissors came to a stop.

"Can I open my eyes yet?" Helga asked.

"Baby sister?" Olga asked.

"Yes… Olga?" Helga asked apprehensively.

"Rise." Olga said.

Helga slowly rose up from her chair, still afraid to remove her blindfold, but when she at last did she beheld the face of Olga staring right back at her with a deer in the headlights look. Helga blinked, as Olga did likewise, and wondered why her sister was wearing the same perplexed expression she could feel on her own face. For a few moments, Helga just stared into Olga's eyes, until the truth hit her.

The face before her wasn't Olga's at all.

Olga was standing in front of her, but was holding up a mirror. Helga was looking at her own reflection. Her flowing hair that Olga had so artistically styled the night before was gone, and had been replaced by a familiar short, flip bob cut which looked objectively nice but too eerily close to someone else. More disturbingly, Helga looked downward and saw that Olga had somehow managed to change her entire ensemble as if by magic. Gone was her usual pink jumper, and now Helga wore a black vest over her usual white collared shirt, with a green plaid skirt, knee high socks and brown boots. The only thing left of her former outfit was the pink bow still affixed to the top of her head.

"Well, what do you think?" Olga asked.

Helga just continued to stare straight ahead in silent shock.

"Oh, you're right…" Olga sighed, "I think it's missing something… aha! I know!"

Without warning, Olga pulled Helga's bow off and quickly replaced it with a black headband. Helga's jaw dropped in response but she still couldn't speak.

"There!" Olga said, admiring her own handiwork, "Voila! My magnum opus… now you're… _perfect_…"

That word pierced Helga like a bee sting and she reacted in her most natural way; overly dramatically.

At ear-splitting volume Helga wailed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Olga was distinctly taken aback to say the least.

"Oh… don't you like it?" she asked.

"Don't I like it?" Helga growled, "Look at me! I look like… like…"

And despite her dramatic cry of protest moments earlier, Helga felt as if her very soul had just escaped her body along with it. As she looked at the face before her, she felt strangely calmed, but in such a way where she didn't feel in control of herself.

"I… I just love it… big sister…" Helga said slightly robotically.

"Oh, goody!" Olga said, as she wrapped her arms around her sister.

Helga stood in a daze, wishing her normal instincts would kick in, but she felt like a tranquilized animal in the moment.

When the sisters joined their mother and father at the dinner table, Helga was still feeling unbearably self conscious about herself. She was accustomed to her parents ignoring her at the table, especially whenever Olga was home, but tonight her mother looked her over and smiled.

"Hey, nice haircut, sweetie." Miriam said.

"Uh, thanks mom…" Helga said.

"Pass the potatoes, Helga." Bob said.

Helga looked at him and narrowed her eyes, "What did you call me?"

"Helga." he repeated, "Your name. Come on." Bob looked at Helga and suddenly smiled. "Hey, yeah. Nice haircut. You're looking like a real winner, little missy."

"Thanks daddy…" Helga said, then dropped her fork and went wide eyed with shock at having called him 'daddy.'

Olga raised a glass and smiled.

"To Helga. The best baby sister I could ask for." she said, "And now the best person she can be."

"Here, here." Bob raised his glass in agreement. "Who knows, maybe this little adjustment will get you to straighten up and fly right."

Bob's comment didn't even phase Helga, and Olga's sincere but backhanded compliments should have been getting to her by now, but instead she was now reflecting on much of her life. What little interest her father had ever shown in her was only ever an attempt to get her to be more like Olga, be it pressuring her to win the same spelling bee as Olga, or to win the one competition Olga hadn't taken home the trophy from. Helga realized early on that she would never be able to measure up to the impossible level of perfection set by Olga before her, leaving her confidence too shattered to even try. As her aptitude test score had once proven however, she did in fact possess the same core level of competence Olga possessed, if not even greater. Something about all the physical changes she had been going through had spurred her on now, and while Olga's brand of help may have been intrusive, perhaps it really was time to apply herself. Maybe Olga really may had helped her to unlock her potential. Something felt wrong about all this, but somehow not wrong enough for her to stop it. Helga monologued internally.

_Well, maybe this could be a good thing… and all it's costing me is my individuality and self-respect… but oh well… who ever needed that…_

The next day, Helga once again set off towards school and came across Phoebe waiting outside. Having reacted positively to Helga's last facial renovation, this time she looked slightly flabbergasted.  
"Helga?" Phoebe gasped, "Is that… you?"

Helga responded with a very forced smile and simply giggled.

"Oh Phoebe, you're such a silly." she said, "Come on, let's go fill our brains with knowledge. Then we can get an early start on our college applications! Goody!"

Helga walked off leaving Phoebe gaping at the mouth, completely at a loss for words.

The girl duo came across the usual duo of Arnold and Gerald who both went wide eyed and similarly couldn't think of a thing to say. Helga just looked at them with a glassy eyed artificial smile. As the four of them walked to school, not one of them said a single word.

The whole school likewise seemed stunned into silence by Helga's new appearance. Yesterday her subtle new look had gotten her nothing but smiles and friendly greetings, but today she was only seeing wide eyes and open mouths, ranging from shock, to ignorant looks of admiration.

As she walked by a trio of boys, all three of their heads snapped in her direction. Embarrassed, she sped away as fast as she could manage on her heels.

"Garsh, that new girl sure is pretty." Stinky said admiringly.

"Yeah…" Harold sighed, "Whoever she is I could just ask her to marry me…"

"She reminds me of Gloria… before she mysteriously vanished without a trace." Stinky mused. "Or Helga's sister Olga, or somethin'."

Overhearing them from nearby, Lila stepped up behind him. "Stinky?" she said, "I'm ever so hesitant to correct you but… that new girl is Helga."

Stinky's eyes went wide, "But how can Helga be the new girl if Helga's been here this whole time? Aw, shucks I'm all confused now…"

"No I mean she's not a new girl at all… Helga just appears to have changed her usual look ever so drastically." Lila explained.

"Oh." Stinky said, "Now I really don't understand. That's even weirder…"

"Wait…" Harold looked terrified, "You mean I was just thinking of marrying Helga…" He slapped his hand over his mouth and wretched, then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.  
Lila blinked, then said to Stinky, "That was an awfully dramatic reaction."

"All things concerning Helga are awfully dramatic, I reckon." Stinky said.

As Helga sat in history class, she had to put some mental blinders on as she could feel all eyes in the room firmly fixed on her. For once, it appeared focusing on the teacher and the lesson at hand was the solution. As Simmons wrote on the board she kept her eyes forward, as she scribbled down notes and absorbed everything being said.

"Can anyone explain to me the idea expressed by John Locke that was to become the underlying philosophy behind the Revolutionary War?" Simmons asked.

To her own surprise, Helga's hand shot up.

"Yes?" Simmons said, calling on her.

"That if a government becomes tyrannical, it is the natural right and duty of the citizens to oppose it." Helga said. "Or… something?"

"Correct. Excellently put, Olga." he said.

Helga didn't even have time to revel in her small moment of victory as Simmons had unwittingly undercut it. Everyone around her began to laugh, and Simmons quickly realized his mistake.

"Helga!" He corrected, "Sorry. Students? Let's just return to the lesson, I don't want this to distract from the very special point that Olga- I MEAN… Helga has made… oh dear…"

Helga sank into her chair amidst the laughs of her peers. Her natural reaction had always been to silence them all with one simple glare and a shake of her fist, but that Helga was absent from school apparently, and whoever she was now just buried her head in embarrassment.

After the least comfortable school day she had suffered through in days, Helga stormed out of the building and tried to speed walk home before anyone could say a word to her.

"Helga?" came Arnold's voice.

"Arnold!" she spun around and faced him. The two of them hadn't said two words since walking to school together, and now she frowned and said, "What do you want foot-" she paused, and then went back into her 'Olga speech.' "I mean, hello Arnold. Isn't it just a lovely day that makes you happy to be alive?"

Arnold gave her a funny look.

"What's going on?" he asked, "Why are you acting so… weird?"

"Oh Arnold," she forced herself to smile again, "I've been acting weird for far too much of my young life. Now I'm acting… perfect. Up to my full potential. The Helga you know has emerged from her cocoon a beautiful butterfly, and is at last flying free."

"Don't you think this is kind of drastic?" Arnold asked. "I mean, no one changes this much overnight…"

"Butterflies do…" Helga said.

"But you're not a butterfly, you're a human girl." Arnold said, "Sure, there's a lot changing with us nowadays, but you don't have to do all… _this _just to cope with it."

"Really?" Helga could feel her misgivings about her new look start to slowly fade away, "You mean that?"  
"Of course." Arnold said, "I talked about this stuff with my dad, and even if we're changing on the outside, that doesn't change who we are on the inside, Olga."

The earth abruptly stopped spinning on its axis and everything came to a grinding halt, at least in Helga's head.

"Did you just… call me…"

Arnold desperately tried to correct himself, "Oops, I meant Helg-"

Simmons mistaking her for Olga was one thing. Her own father getting her name right because she looked like Olga was one thing, and a weird one at that. Arnold, her one true love, calling her Olga caused Helga's brain to explode.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!" Helga screeched in a glass shatteringly loud scream as she began sprinting home, leaving Arnold in the dust.

When she reached the emporium she burst through the doors and came across Olga immediately.

"Baby sister?" Olga asked, "What's the matter?"

"This! This is the matter!" Helga shouted, "Look what you did to me!"

"But I thought you liked it?" Olga asked.

"No!" Helga shouted, "I mean… I did at first until I realized what you were really doing."

"What do you mean?" Olga asked, her tone sounding genuinely innocent, "I was just trying to help you through your flowering girlhood tr-"

"Unbelievable, Olga, you found a way to be more irritating!" Helga groaned, "Will you stop with all the imagery! It's making all this even worse!"

"Helga…?" Olga asked, with an infuriatingly innocent look on her face, "What… what did I do wrong?"

"Olga, I came to you for help in a really confusing time, and you said you wanted to help me and I trusted you. You said you wanted to get closer to me, and I went along with it at first because I really thought this would bring us closer together…" Helga said sadly.

"But… I thought it did?" Olga whined.

"No, Olga." Helga shook her head, "You tried to relate to me by trying to turn me into something I'm not. Helping me with all this chesty business was one thing, but this? You told me once that you felt like a windup doll, always having to be perfect for mom and dad. And now look at me. You just turned me into your own dress up doll… "

"Helga…" Olga's lip quivered, "I just wanted to help you… I promise… I wanted to make you… perfect…"

"Perfect?" Helga repeated, "So what was so wrong with me before?"  
"Um… nothing specific…" Olga fumbled for a reason.

"I trusted you." Helga sighed, "But don't worry… I won't make that mistake again…"

And with that Helga left the way she came in and ran off to isolate herself from Olga and hopefully anyone else.

Helga came to the park, and hid herself behind a tree where she hoped no one else could find her. She should have known better of course that the universe wouldn't allow this, and it sent its divine messenger right to her as usual.

"Helga?" Arnold's voice came from behind the tree.

"Oh hello, Arnold." Helga said in her best approximation of Olga's voice, "Were you looking for my baby sister?"

"Helga, I know it's you…" Arnold said, "I'm sorry I got your name wrong earlier, it's just… well, I guess Olga did a really good job at making you look like her… and come on, you were acting a little… out of character."

"Oh Arnold, you're such a little sweetie." Helga said, still mimicking Olga.

"Helga…" Arnold groaned.

"Oh, all right… this all just started with me asking for some advice from her on my… little… well, I needed help with some girl stuff, and one thing led to another and now here I stand as her mini clone…" Helga sighed.

"I mean, you're only wearing different clothes, and your hair is different… but you're still Helga." Arnold said. "And, your new look isn't bad, it's just really… different."

"But I did this all for the wrong reason…" Helga said, "I did it just because I thought maybe if I looked different maybe I could… be different. I mean come on, you want me to change, don't you?"

"No I don't." Arnold insisted.

"Oh come on, Arnold." she said, "You're always trying to change something about me. I'm never nice enough, or honest or sensitive enough for you."

Arnold opened his mouth to debate this, but realized she was right.

"I guess you're right." he said, "I'm sorry, Helga. I didn't mean to pressure you or anything…"

Arnold slumped down next to her against the tree trunk and the two of them gave each other a little smile.

"I mean, remember when Gerald's voice changed?" Arnold asked, "That didn't change who he was."

"I guess…" Helga sighed, "Though is it just me or did it change back to some degree? Ah well… I guess I was just being dumb…"

"You're not dumb, Helga." Arnold reassured her, placing his hand on hers, "We're all a little confused, and you're just trying to discover who you really are and… you just got a little lost in the process. But you can find yourself again. You can find what you really are."

"So what am I?" she asked, "Am I just an impressionable little dupe who allows the core of her being to be blown to the four winds? Am I just some kind of dupable chump?" Helga stopped and considered, "Well, that's what I am; a dupable chump. Good. Glad I've come to grips with my identity."

"Helga…" Arnold sighed, "Look, for what it's worth, I actually like your new look. It's really nice, it's just that... I liked your old look even better. It was just so... Helga."

"Well then, tomorrow I'm going back to my usual ensemble." she vowed, "But because I want to. Not for you, bub."

"I'm glad." Arnold affirmed, "I like Helga better than mini Olga."

Helga looked at him with a half grin, "Oh yeah? How much more?"

"Well… you know… I miss your bow…" Arnold said as he turned slightly pink.

"Cuz it's pink like your face?" Helga laughed.

Rather than dwell on his sheepishness, Arnold leaned over and kissed her cheek. Helga practically melted as she let loose a swooning noise. Somehow as if by magic her hair popped back into its usual static pigtailed style, albeit much shorter, and much to Arnold's surprise.

"How do you even do that…?" he asked.

"Science?" Helga suggested, then she grabbed him and kissed him hard on the lips, not even caring if anyone was looking for one blissful moment.

Across town, Olga meanwhile sat in her room, reflecting on the past few days. Helga's words were still stinging her, but she knew in her heart she had messed up again. For all her theoretical knowledge of the world, she just couldn't crack the code on how to be a good sibling, especially in times when her little sister really needed her. Sighing sadly, she opened the file cabinet that had been serving as her dresser drawer since moving into the emporium and pulled out one small affect she had held onto. Within the heart shaped picture frame that read 'My Widdle Sister,' the grumpy little face of Helga as a tiny baby glared back at her.

Olga had taken the picture herself, and now her mind drifted back to that day. Her mother and father had been embroiled in a shouting match with little Helga lying on the floor unattended in the adjacent room when Olga had come across her. Olga then picked her up and took her to her room upstairs, away from the shouting and locked eyes with her. Even as a baby Helga scowled most of the time, and Olga never quite knew how to attend to her. As she looked at the little mostly hairless baby she held in her hands, she smiled and got an idea. Olga then rummaged through her own collection of hair accessories and found a pink ribbon. Carefully, she tied it into a bow on the one tiny tuft of hair on Helga's otherwise bald head. Olga smiled at her little sister, who despite not returning her smile looked somehow more complete now with this one simple addition.

It was only a tiny gesture, but Olga hoped somehow it might lead to a brighter future for her little sister, as much of a stretch as that was to imagine.

Olga stared at the picture of Helga, and smiled through her tears.

The End

* * *

_**NAAAW. Well, after Olga as per usual royally screwed things up I wanted to end by giving her a little sympathy. It would be kind of a significant little addition to the HA! lore if it had been Olga who first gave Helga her trademark bow, which of course became a catalyst in her eventual bond with Arnold, so… thanks Olga. I mean, Arnold probably would have shared his umbrella and given her a compliment without the bow, but **_**_still._**

_**I know that's not the exact John Locke quote, but that's how I've paraphrased it in my head decades after learning it in school. I was looking for some on-the-nose quote relative to Helga's dilemma, and while that's not the best example I guess it kinda works since she later rises up against the tyranny of Olga… I guess.**_

_**Y'know... I finally realized... I've been skirting around using the words "training bra" whenever possible in this story, but I just remembered Helga actually says those exact words in an actual episode when derisively talking about Ruth...**_

_**Oh, and as a bonus, here's a little deleted scene as it were, featuring Brainy. I decided this was just a little bit much (by which I mean it's abjectly creepy)… but here it is.**_

_**"Oh Arnold, you magnificent moron! Mayhap I shall conquer this cursed puberty business yet… whatsoever shall nature throw my way next?" she asked herself dreamily, "And may it be something I don't need Olga's help with again…"**_

_**She heard an eerie but familiar heavy breathing over her shoulder. Brainy handed her a small white packaged cylindrical object and smiled. Helga looked at it with perplexed eyes.**_

_**"One of those thingies Miriam keeps in the medicine cabinet? What the heck would I ever need that for?" she said, tossing it over her shoulder, "Ah well. Appreciate the thought. Thanks Brainy."**_

_**And then she socked him in the face as usual. Brainy fell to the ground smiling inanely as Helga walked off, happy to return to some semblance of normalcy.**_


End file.
